Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
