I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
