Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drunk is not a location!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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