Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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