I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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