the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
