He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
