just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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