The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
