i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i think i just lost a toe
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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