Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
