Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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