i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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