so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
