3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sext me about skeletons
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
