allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
