I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
