I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
