A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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