I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
