Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
