Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
