You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just tell him i said nine months
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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