Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
