Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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