two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
