It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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