I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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