May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
