so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
