Someone shit on the floor
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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