does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
