Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
