sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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