the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
