I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
