there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
