She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
