he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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