I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
