Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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