i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
