Got a toothbrush?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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