My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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