He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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