Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
