I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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