So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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