Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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