i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
